I’ll have the Detox!

 “Many people come to us in a crisis,” the head doctor says, looking straight at me. Outside, I see snowflakes over the lake; behind them, there’s the mountain panorama. I’m at an Austrian detox clinic. Wooden floors, designer furniture, cushions adorned with traditional patterns. Kate Moss, Liz Hurley and Liv Tyler have already graced this clinic with their presence. Now it’s my turn. I came to write about my visit. But I have other goals as well – recharging my batteries, looking after myself better, losing weight. Is that vain, or already a midlife crisis?

I’m now 43 years old. A man and his beauty – it’s complicated. When did that start? Heaving left puberty and its zits behind, I had developed a stable self-confidence. Muscles firm, hair thick and healthy. A new departure was a sprouting beard. I went out and bought more attractiveness, including a cool shirt, a pair of rare sneakers and my first decent watch. In the years to come, I lived life to the max rather than taking care of myself. I was never a fan of hard drugs. But even legal drugs like alcohol, caffeine and sugar are poisons. They’re substances that leave their mark. Furrows on the forehead, for example. Or belly fat under your shirt. I want to get rid of these ghosts that I called forth. Detox means asceticism. I’m restricted to 600 calories a day, fasting according to the Mayr method. Cooked vegetables, hardly any spices, no raw vegetables. In the evening, I’m treated to broth and a hard stick of buckwheat bread. I’m supposed to chew each bite 40 to 60 times. There’s a ban on mobile phones in the restaurant. I’m not supposed to read or speak. Even distraction is considered a poison.

 My days are busy. Magnetic field therapy, cranio sacral, water shiatsu, I go along with it all, even though I think a lot of it is esoteric rubbish. I ride a bike with an oxygen mask on, do laps in the pool, receive vitamins via infusion. I visit a nice female doctor each day who massages my stomach. It goes on like this for almost two weeks. At the end, the scales tell me I’m fully six kilos lighter. The toxic waste has evidently been burned away. In the mirror, I see a man who’s not necessarily more beautiful. But he’s looking forward to the next 43 years.

As creative director of the Hamburg agency Territory, Adrian Pickshaus develops communication concepts for companies. He eats normally again nowadays, except that he now replaces the onions in his curry with fennel. He finds their roots quite delicious.

This article has first been published in the printed edition of 30 Grad. Get your free subscription.